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How would movie villains act if their lives took a different path? These six villains would have seen a dramatic change if they had just embraced CBD!
By Jacob La Cava
Hollywood has created thousands of different movie villains over the years, and while many of them can feel like carbon copies of older villains that you’ve seen repeatedly, there are some that stand the test of time. Maybe it’s because of their fleshed out backstories, or the unique way in which they conflict with the film’s hero. Regardless, they always leave an impression on you that even the protagonist in the film couldn’t top. Even after the movie’s over, thoughts about the character still float around in your head as you try to understand the captivating bad guys’ full motivation.
And yet, you wonder… what if they all had something to just help them chill out?!
The Night King, Scar, Hans Gruber; these are no ordinary villains, simply up to no good for the sole purpose of causing meaningless mayhem. No, they have agendas, real goals with real ends that have been carefully sculpted over years of planning. Their actions have real motives. Nobody cares about the crook who’s only doing what he does because he likes to beat people up, but everybody appreciates the crook whose crime spree is motivated by a need for change or mistreatment at the hands of the city’s hero.
You’ve probably wondered what these characters would be like if their lives had followed different paths. What would have become of Anakin Skywalker if he never turned to the Dark Side? What if Jack Torrance never took his family up to the Stanley Hotel in “The Shining?” Would Jason Voorhees’s mother have gone insane if her son hadn’t drowned as a child at Crystal Lake? The “what if’s” associated with cinema villains are extremely interesting, and at times they can be downright fun to debate.
Without further ado, here are 6 movie villains whose lives would have completely changed if they had just discovered CBD products.
The artist formerly known as Anakin Skywalker, Darth Vader is one of the all-time greatest villains in cinema history… who really could have used a CBD tincture in his morning coffee. His burning fervor for world domination and the robotic breathing that emanated from his mask are two of the many characteristics that make this figure such a timeless symbol of evil. Without Vader, the original Star Wars trilogy may not have received such intense support, and as a result the whole franchise might have crashed and burned instead of developing into the powerhouse that it is today. Even before delving into his backstory, Vader appears to be the ultimate bad guy; he’s stronger than you, always one step ahead and possessing an invisible power that allows him to control the matter that surrounds him. On top of this, he was also by far the Empire’s best pilot, which must have been embarrassing for the stormtrooper whose entire life was dedicated to learning how to fly a tie-fighter.
Vader was treated unfairly by the highest council of the Jedi, who refused to give him the title of “master” because of the “darkness” in his heart. Obvious jealousy on their end, but whatever. Vader/Anakin’s downward spiral would reach its peak when he lost a fight to… Renton from Trainspotting, and was cooked alive by lava. He barely survived and became a full-fledged member of the Sith.
Still, you can’t help but imagine what would have happened to Anakin if he’d just been able to keep his emotions in check long enough for the other Jedi to realize that they were wrong to not consider him a master. He would have ended up much better off if he’d known about CBD vape pens. CBDfx vape pens are a popular way for people to spend their off-time, giving their minds something flavorful to focus on for a short period of time. Anakin specifically would have enjoyed the fruit flavored vape juices best; coming from a desert planet and having very little money, he wouldn’t have had the opportunity to eat many succulent fruits while growing up. Had he been able to enjoy our strawberry kiwi CBD vape juice, chances are high that he would’ve continued to see good in the world and let go of his anger. Additionally, our mini vape kit would fit perfectly in his Jedi robes, allowing him to do flips and cartwheels without fear of his vape slipping out of his pocket and falling into a pit or lava.
Miami’s own Tony Montana is a drug lord best known for screaming, “Say hello to my little friend,” and shooting off a grenade launcher in his own home. The main character of “Scarface” could be considered an anti-hero, but by the end of the film his paranoia and increasing aggression place him sternly in the “villain” category. His rise is meteoric, and he is warned repeatedly that his actions would have consequences that could only lead to his own demise. Still, he chose this path and rode it out to the very end, sticking to his guns and letting the world know that he wouldn’t go down without a fight.
Throughout the film, you get to watch the evolution of Tony from a subordinate being sent on dangerous tasks to being his own boss, surrounded by gold and marble statues that looked a lot nicer than the styrofoam the props were actually constructed from. He was put through the worst of it, almost dying several times and being forced to kill on more than one occasion. He rose to power a bit too fast, burning important bridges along the way, but this is to be expected of a man who, in general, had to fight his way to the top with very little help.
Imagine if Tony had been introduced to the world of CBD instead of hard drugs at the onset of his life in Miami. Not only would he have never been able to “get high on his own supply,” but he also would have made acquaintances with far fewer murderers and hardened criminals. We think Tony would have been especially fond of CBD isolate powders, which he could have made his niche product and sold as an additive to most anything. Possessing no flavor or smell, CBD isolate powder can be mixed with an array of different foods and drinks to offer the effects of pure CBD. He also likely would have been interested in CBD tincture oils, which offer similar versatility but also provide a burst of flavor. Miami is a vibrant city, and something with fruity flavoring such as our blueberry pineapple lemon tincture oil would be an absolute hit with Mr. Montana.
For a man with the nickname “He-who-must-not-be-named,” he sure is talked about quite a bit. Voldemort is arguably one of the greatest villains in both cinematic and literary history, terrorizing the wizarding world of the Harry Potter franchise. A master in wizardry himself, the Dark Lord poses a greater threat to Harry Potter’s world than anything else–including Harry’s glasses, which if we’re being honest probably should have become more of a crutch than they actually were. I mean really, break his glasses and he becomes less of a wizard and more of Velma from Scooby Doo. Also, before we move on, there are no Scooby Doo villains on this list; to stay as calm as they did while a talking dog and a massive, lanky stoner swung turkey legs at them, they definitely had to have already been using CBD.
Like others on this list, Voldemort grew up without a figure that showed him legitimate love, which aided in molding him into the monster that he would later become. He was essentially a love child, his mother feeding his father love potions to trick him into having a child with her. He spent his early years in an orphanage that offered him no love and taught him to value power over all other things. His years at Hogwarts didn’t do much for him either, as he was placed in the house known for its independent, often unfriendly students. Being a half-blood, other students came to like him even less, further distancing him from them. With no real understanding of human connection and a single goal to gain as much power as possible, it’s no surprise that he turned to evil and world domination. Power possessed meaning in his mind, and nothing else seemed to match it. This all led to him shedding his real name and becoming Lord Voldemort.
The icing on the cake, and the factor that most easily identifies Voldemort for movie lovers, is his snake-like appearance; the slit nose, the pale complexion, the sunken ears. His appearance became more and more like that of a serpent as he delved deeper into the dark arts. What if his ugliness ended up bringing him closer to certain students at Hogwarts? What if puberty hadn’t hit Neville Longbottom like a truck, but instead had slowly run over him like the scene at the end of “Who Framed Roger Rabbit”? Neville and Voldemort would have had the chance to bond over their mutual ugliness, and the Dark Lord may have faltered. At this point, Neville could have introduced certain CBD topical products that he takes at Hogwarts for skincare and rejuvenation. Voldemort would have loved the opportunity to try out one of our CBD facemasks, which would have perfectly molded over his slimy, egg-like face. This would have given his skin some of the life that the dark arts stole from it, and a CBD balm could have been used as well to moisturize and address other parts of his body that more than likely needed it. After all, the man has magic shot at him constantly, he must be in need of some rest after a long day of evil. These products would provide him with support that could have quelled some of the fiery anger that raged within him.
The Soviet Union’s pride and joy, Ivan Drago is the main villain in Rocky IV, the final non cash-grabbing Rocky film. Drago bursts onto the scene when he is introduced in the US as one of the most celebrated amateur fighters in the world. With an overall record of 100-0-0, Drago has seemingly beaten every single amateur boxer in the Soviet Union. He comes to the United States to fight professionally, and the press is obsessed with his 6’6” height and pretty obvious steroid abuse. He is quiet, speaking in only short phrases and having his wife and manager answer most questions. He has one goal in mind: win at all costs, and become the best that the sport has even seen. At the time, he was likely supposed to be representative of the actual Soviet Union, which was perceived as being large, strong and power-hungry.
Still, being strong and wanting to win at all costs doesn’t necessarily make you a bad guy. Rocky Balboa himself was a boxer known for his strength who put it all on the line to become a boxing champion. The big difference comes in the way that the two fought against Apollo Creed. In Rocky’s initial bout with Creed, he loses after taking a severe beating. However, he never gave up and the crowd loves him for it. When Drago fights Creed for the first–and last–time, he kills his opponent! Not in a literary or hyperbolic sense; he hits Creed so hard that you thought Carl Weathers himself may have even died while filming the scene. In post-fight interviews he is asked about Creed, and his famous response is, “if he dies, he dies.” His goal of becoming the greatest boxer ever leads to him becoming a silent killer, and as a result he’s still one of the most hated villains in sports film history.
What if, while on his conquest in the US, Drago discovered that his true love was actually baking with CBD? He wouldn’t have given up boxing necessarily, not while he was on the top of his game and probably about to make an ungodly amount of money. However, he may have been able to take some of that aggression and repurpose it into a confection conquest, learning how to make the best Soviet Union-themed cupcakes that the world had ever seen. If he really wanted to make a name for himself, he could have adopted CBD and become a founding father for CBD-infused baked goods. We think he would have had a particular interest in our Lemon Lime Mint tincture oil, which could give a sweet-and-sour kick to any delicious cookies that he might be baking for his wife and adoring fans. Instead of hearing him mumble his famous line, “I must break you,” he may have instead declared, “I must bake for you,” starting a lifelong friendship with Rocky Balboa and easing tensions between the US and the Soviet Union. This is the ending we all would’ve loved to see.
Another timeless figure whose ultimate rampage began after being bar-b-que’d, Freddy Krueger still haunts the dreams of those who’ve watched the Nightmare on Elm Street movies. Krueger is one of the most iconic villains in horror film history, and his methods were more innovative than most other slasher film figures at the time. Freddy wouldn’t just kill you the way that someone like Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees would. While other slashers had gruesome methods of disposal, it doesn’t even come close to the psychological and physical assault that Krueger would enact on his victims. Primarily targeting teenagers, as all good horror film baddies did at the time, Krueger would come for people while they slept, invading their dreams and torturing them in ways that wouldn’t be possible in the real world. You could hardly avoid his attacks, and even if you managed to survive a night, he could just appear the next time that you fell asleep and try to get you all over again.
Krueger’s backstory isn’t as sympathetic as Vader’s, but it does give insight into what led him to be the way that he was. Tragedy led to his birth, and throughout his life he faced abusive figures that shaped the way he understood the world to be. As an adult, he began moonlighting as a serial killer, and when he was finally caught he managed to get off on a mistrial ruling. The townspeople couldn’t accept that, so they chased him down, doused him in gasoline and set him on fire! Dream demons approached him and recruited him into their ranks, where he swore to retaliate against the families of the people that had harmed him.
You have to wonder what could have happened if the dream entities that appeared to Krueger had offered him a second chance at life instead of an eternity of evil. Imagine, Krueger is propositioned with this second opportunity on earth, resurrected but unknown, so that he might make a new man out of himself. The only problem, then, would be that his skin looked like an overcooked hot dog. Not only would he not be able to blend into his surroundings, but he would also have to deal with skin irritation and dryness for the rest of his second life. Here the dream entities would have been able to give him some CBD topicals to soothe his messed up skin. CBD topicals work like any regular topicals, moisturizing the skin and cleansing it of hard-to-reach impurities. Our CBD face cleanser and serum in particular could have worked wonders for Krueger, their quick-acting properties reducing the dirt and char layered on his face and preventing him from having to spend unnecessary time rubbing lotions into his melted raisin face. Elm Street would have been saved from a whole mess of trouble if Freddy just reached for some cannabinoid-infused topicals!
Godzilla is one of the original giant monster movies, introducing a revolutionary genre of films that would garner support across the world for its combination of fantasy, action and horror. While the original Godzilla might have looked like a rushed papier-mâché project, it still terrified people when they first saw it in theaters. Dozens of films have followed the first Godzilla film, either surrounding the monster himself or focusing on a number of monsters that belong to the same genre and interact with him on occasion.
What’s scary about Godzilla is his near invulnerability. He has very few weak points, and normal weapons don’t do much in the way of penetrating his skin. Even if you managed to scratch him, he had a number of ways to dispose of you in a matter of seconds. He could step on you or swipe at you with his massive claws, and neither of them would have been avoidable in the slightest. His spiked tail could do some damage as well, and it would be almost effortless on his end to swing it around and take out a building or two. As a little cherry-on-top, he could shoot a focused beam of fire out of his mouth and vaporize everything that stood in front of him. What in the world could you possibly do to avoid a fire beam that’s a mile wide and a mile high? Nothing, that’s what. Godzilla’s initial attack ends on his own terms, as he returned to the water without serious injuries. He wasn’t stopped by anyone, he simply chose to stop himself. If that isn’t a true villain, then we don’t know what is.
What if we had been able to understand what Godzilla was shrieking about as he terrorized Japan? And what if his translations actually painted him as a more sympathetic creature who was simply looking for some type of product that could cure the irritation that his skin was feeling? There are clearly no products like this in the ocean, they would get filled with water and diluted into oblivion. Had we known that he was just a misunderstood monster with skin issues, we could have given him our CBD hemp cream, which tends to irritated skin and contains nourishing nutrients that would’ve certainly pleased him. He may not have gotten so frustrated and destroyed countless buildings, killing thousands in the process. All those lives saved, thanks to the heroics of a single hemp extract.
In a world of make-believe, a million different what-ifs could be proposed for any given story; villains could become heroes, heroes could become villains, etc. The simplest of alterations could change everything over the course of a story, and in these instances, we think CBD could have saved the day before anyone even knew they needed saving. We hope you’ve enjoyed following us through these varying scenarios, and consider picking up some of the products in our store that were described!
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