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Struggling with a fear of the mall, but you desperately need clothes? CBDfx has the ultimate guide to help men survive trips to the mall… with CBD!
By: Chloe Persichetti
There’s a dilemma spreading across the US, threatening most of the male population: you desperately need new clothes, but you hate going to the mall. After looking in your closet, you’re forced to accept that your need for more clothes has gotten so bad you have to bite the bullet and visit your local shopping center. This common and devastating issue is felt by men all over America; but until now, this very serious problem has never been talked about openly. CBDfx understands just how widespread this issue is, and we’ve found a solution that can ease men’s internal struggles everywhere. Want to know the answer to your pathological mall apprehension? It’s simple: CBD! Our CBD products contain ingredients that will allow men the strength, determination and inner peace to conquer that first march past the food court.
OK: the day has arrived, and you need to psyche yourself up for your battle with the mall. Nothing is won without preparation, so let’s start prepping! Get those calories in guys. We need protein and we need it now! That food is going to help save you before the mall drains you of your energy. While you’re at it, drop some of our CBD tinctures on those eggs and in that protein shake! We have a few tinctures that we think will work best for this morning breakfast. Pour our unflavored tincture on the eggs and our Blueberry Pineapple Lemon or Lychee Lemon Kiwi into your shake. These flavors will play off of each other and create an awesome tasting breakfast!
It’s more than taste though. The MCT oil allows for CBD to be absorbed faster and more efficiently, which in turn allows you to experience a faster and more effective boost of CBD. That way, you can stay fixed on the goal: owning more than 4 shirts.
Now, it’s time to energize. These are the final moments before you head to the mall… the final countdown, you might say. You’re driving in your car on your way to the mall, but you can’t get pumped in silence! Put that gym playlist on and play it loud! Time to get ready for the fight ahead. Start your headbanging to get your blood flowing! Make sure you have that gameplan with you, showing what items you need and where. Have a laid-out itinerary of the most direct route from store to store in order to be quick and minimize your exposure to the mall. And of course, make sure your trusty CBDfx products are close at hand for when you’ll need them most.
You’ve somehow made it past the terrible parkers without totaling your car, and you’re on your way inside the mall now. You’ve scouted the first store you want to go to! Think it’s as easy as just waltzing inside? Try again. Traps are set everywhere to stop you along the way. Will you let them? Not today.
You keep your eyes dialed in on the store as you make your way towards it. “Ayo, boss!” You hear, “Come get your shoes cleaned!” the shoe shiner yells. “Not today!” You yell back, but he continues creeping toward you… not taking your answer as a “No.” This is why we needed a big breakfast for fuel! Your energy can’t be taken by aggressive salespeople — you haven’t even made it into your first store yet! Keep your gaze down and walk past with authority. You have stores to see and clothes to buy. In times like these, it’s a great opportunity to pull out your CBDfx Calming Balm. Rub it on your temples to remind yourself it’s all just temporary. In the meantime, the soothing smell will re-awaken and refresh you!
A few paces forward, you’re hit with another roadblock. This time, it’s slow walkers. Unfortunately for you, they’ve evenly spaced themselves out, so there’s no way for you to get around. Even if you did manage to get ahead of this group, there’s another blockade in front of them pushing an obscenely wide baby stroller that takes up the entire walkway… is the kid even in it? You’re stuck — trapped! There’s no way out but to slowly walk with them. Remind yourself why you’re doing this in the first place — no more having to rotate the same two pairs of pants. Stay in this chief, you got it!
Oh no… you’ve hit the women’s kiosk as you’re walking slowly behind these people! You know what that means — hold your breath as you walk through the perfume-soaked air! No headaches today. A stroke of luck! Suddenly, you remember the CBDfx Spirulina and Turmeric Gummies in your pockets. These superfoods will give you the strength to fight through this grueling process, and the serving of CBD in each gummy will be a pleasant treat as well.
By this time, you have now made it to two stores. You’ve been doing great and even got some new shirts, a sweater and a pair of pants you know you’re going to wear all the time! Mall anxiety has nothing on you! Just one more store on your list! Suddenly, the smell of pretzels creeps into your nostrils; the salty, freshly baked dough wants to reel you in. Remember, this is meant to deter you! You can’t give in now, you’re so close to the finish line… wait until the end to treat yourself! When you feel yourself slipping, reach for that CBDfx Chill Shot… the mall can be depleting and you need the hydration and amino acids to get you through the last leg of the journey.
You walk into your last store and come out with a victory! At times it was difficult and trying, but you persevered and now are being rewarded for it. Finally, you are able to fill your closet with clothes you want, and donate those clothes that were given to you by your family or purchased by your younger, unfashionable self years ago.
You pull out the route you drew up for the mall and find the quickest path to your car. You look up and spot the entrance you came in. The end is in sight! You’re walking out as a man approaches you. At first, you can’t make out what he says… but he repeats himself. You finally hear him and confidently respond: “No dude, I don’t want to buy your mixtape.” You keep walking, out the door, like the new man that you are. You’ve come to the end and emerged stronger for it. Unlock the car and reach in your console. Grab the disposable vape pen from CBDfx that’s been waiting for you and drive away. Now you don’t have to buy clothes again for a long time! We’re proud of you, bro :’)
As you drive home, you should be feeling amazing! Keep those bags of clothes buckled-up on the passenger seat next to you, because they’re your new baby. As you keep hitting your disposable CBD pen, you begin imagining all the outfits you can wear and the new person you’re going to feel and look like. Isn’t it satisfying to think about? Keep focusing on the road! But we get it — you’re excited. It’s been a long time since you’ve gotten clothes, and you practically had to dodge the Walking Dead to get your new prized possessions.
You make your way home and flop yourself on the couch to play your favorite video game. While you’re fighting the zombies you were just walking with, throw on the CBDfx new Cucumber Face Mask to re-hydrate your face after such a long day of wear-and-tear! Congratulations, you’ve done your shopping for the year! Nothing you and CBD couldn’t handle, right?
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