Even the most dastardly movie characters could have been saved with a few lifestyle changes. Here are 5 horror movie villains who should have used CBD!
By: Jon Huffman-Eddy
Ahh, horror movies. Aren’t they the greatest? They’ve been around since the earliest years of film in the 1890s, and ever since Alfred Hitchcock revolutionized the way that stories were told on the big screen, they’ve been part of the mainstream. Audiences seem to really like being scared half to death, whether it be in a movie theater or the safety of their own home.
So, who doesn’t love a good horror movie? Actually, a lot of people. While you might enjoy watching the terrifying scenarios playing out on your TV, most of the characters in the film are hating it! The part time bartender or innocent bystander are gonna be much less excited when thrust into the middle of a zombie outbreak. Honestly, if they’re living in a horror movie, their life could be much better. Unless they’re a part of the core group of characters in the film, there’s a high likelihood that they’ll soon be joining the film’s list of casualties. Can you imagine how many more people would be safely going about their day if these horror movie villains had just found something early on to temper their aggressive tendencies?
At the end of the day, that’s what all these slashers have in common. They may have been around at different times, but we’d like to think that if we had a chance to sit them down and chat for a little while about the direction their life took, we’d recommend they use some lovely CBD to calm themselves, take a breath of fresh air and put down the knife.
We here at CBDfx have put together a list of 5 horror movie villains, in no particular order, who could have really benefited from our good friend CBD:
#1. Norman Bates (Psycho)
Now, he wasn’t the first to do it – be a horror movie villain, that is – but he more or less put the occupation on the map for many subsequent generations. Who can forget the keening violins of cinema’s most iconic shower scene? Norman Bates lived a sheltered life with, one could say, a very overbearing mother. This isn’t any excuse for his behavior, of course, but you have to feel for the guy to some extent. Living somewhere outside Bakersfield in a very socially repressive 1959 can’t be easy. Combine that with how much attack hemp was under at the time, making the likelihood of young Mr. Bates finding any CBD basically zero, that’s really too bad. We think that even a tiny bit of CBD would have made his, and Marion’s life, much more enjoyable.
Norman would have had special interest in CBDfx Gummies. These gummies would have offered him the ultimate lifestyle boost that he could enjoy throughout each day, and our quick delivery service means that he wouldn’t have even needed to leave his home in order to stock back up. Bates is characterized by his seemingly schizophrenic characteristics, hearing voices in his head that encourage him down his demonic life path. If he had these gummies, he could treat them like his friends and potentially add a few more positive voices to the ensemble, thus preventing him from murdering those who stay at his motel.
#2. Hannibal Lecter (The Silence of the Lambs)
Doctor Lecter might be the single coolest horror villain movie of all time. Maximum chill, all the time; if, of course, you forget about the whole eating-people thing. “Hannibal the Cannibal” is a memorable villain for a number of reasons, ranging from his heightened intelligence to the way in which he remains composed while describing the brutal things he did to his victims. Without Hannibal’s assistance, Clarice’s hunt for the infamous “Buffalo Bill” serial killer wouldn’t have been nearly as successful
As psychopathic and devoid of empathy Hannibal Lecter might have been, one thing you can’t take away from him is his impeccably refined sense of taste and smell. He seems like the type of guy who wouldn’t be satisfied with a relatively basic product, which is why he would really appreciate some well-crafted terpenes vape pens, be it a Kush or Pineapple Express pen, followed by a little bit of Gelato. These well-rounded pens would provide Lecter with flavor profiles that would greatly please the cannibalistic psychiatrist, and if he were promised more in return for additional help on other cases, he might even be inspired to aid in more investigations. Of course, they’d have to find a way to keep him in his cell long enough for any of that to matter!
#3. Jack Torrance (The Shining)
Holed up in an old hotel in the middle of nowhere with his family while trying to write a book, it seems fair to us that Jack Torrance would go a bit crazy. Sure, maybe not “hack my wife up with a fire axe to please my ghost buddies” level of crazy, but you get what we’re saying. Jack accepts a job looking after the old Stanley Hotel, and its only after moving into the hotel with his family and being battered by a snow storm that he learns the haunting truth about the establishment. The ghostly residents of the hotel quickly get into Jack’s head, making him turn hostile and attempt to kill his wife and child, and it’s fair to say that the Jack we see at the end of the movie has lost all connection to the one that we saw at the beginning.
This makes us think that maybe there was more going on with Jack than initially meets the eye, perhaps some underlying anger issues. There needed to have been some sort of dormant rage within Jack that allowed him to be convinced of his murderous deeds so swiftly. In a situation like this, leading a life with any sort of huge imbalance can make an annoying situation way, way worse. Building stress was one major reason for Jack’s breakdown, which could have been quelled if he’d had access to something that could boost his daily quality of life. If the bar in the hotel had been stocked with more CBD drinks, not only would he and his family have had a much better vacation, but he also might have actually gotten that book finished!
#4. Michael Myers (Halloween)
Michael Myers is a bit like the person that you only ever see at a select few parties, whose only function is seemingly to ruin everybody else’s celebration. Myers limits his murderous rampages to the days surrounding Halloween, a time when his outlandish appearance isn’t taken as seriously. A towering monster who seems to lack all signs of humanity, Myers is characterized by his total silence, massive physical frame and the eerie, white mask that he wears at all times. His brutal upbringing is mostly to blame for the man that he becomes, and at times it’s hard to tell whether the man behind the mask is a living human being, or something that’s been brought back to life for devilish purposes.
People say he’s pure evil, and while you may be thinking that he could use some CBD gummies, it turns out the he really doesn’t like CBD edibles. It makes sense, if you think about it. In order to enjoy the gummies, he would have to take off his mask, which kind of contradicts the whole ominous persona that he’s built up for himself over the years. Still, can you imagine wearing that mask all the time? That thing has got to be getting uncomfortable. What he could really use is this Lavender CBD Face Mask, which would work to address his skin’s needs without forcing him to be completely mask-less. With a new mask could even come a new man, which we’re sure the residents of Haddonfield, Illinois, would love.
#5. The Alien (Alien)
Who has the least chill of any movie villain in cinema history? We think that distinction goes hands down to the Alien, or really any Xenomorph, for that matter. The Alien was picked up by a group of humans who were forced to halt their return from an interstellar transit to answer a distress signal on a nearby moon. After a creature on the moon attached itself to the face of a crew member, the humans quickly left the moon, having no idea that the Alien would burst through the chest of the attacked crew member once they were back in space. The Alien has always been feared for its superior intellect and frightening appearance, possessing jagged extremities and a second mouth in place of a tongue.
What makes the Alien especially dreadful, of course, is its inclination toward hunting down and killing every human being on the ship. Maybe it’s the acid blood that made the Alien so salty, or maybe it’s the fact that none of its species really have much of a childhood—after bursting out of their host’s chests, they mature in a matter of hours. That means not a single birthday cake. Not one! What they do have, though, is the perfect little mouth for the application of high-quality CBD tincture. Imagine if Ripley had a simple vial of the CBDfx 1500 Series with her when she awoke on that creepy ship in the middle of nowhere? Our theory? This movie might not have even been scary in the first place, and once Ripley gave the Alien the tincture, the warm act of charity might have actually led to a strong friendship between the two.
These are 5 horror movie villains who certainly could have used some CBD products. While it may not have prevented them from ending up being murderers, it definitely would have given their lives a boost and potentially given them a new way to look at their lives! Let us know if there are any other horror movie villains who you think could use a little CBD!